Moon Over the Front Pew

One fine day I decided that my tenure at the TOAD had come to an end and resigned. My intent at that time was to take several months off and kind of float between churches or not go at all as I felt the urge. This period was to last about 4 months.


About two or three months prior to my resignation from the TOAD a friend of mine, who was a minister and had recently been ordained a priest decided to plant a church in a valley north of the city for his new communion. Upon learning that I had left the TOAD he called one day and invited me to visit his new church. The following Sunday I visited his church and though it was small, was impressed. Later that week my friend called and invited me to join the ministry there. I accepted his invitation and united with this new liturgical communion. This turned out to be a very good move; while at this parish I met and married my wife and out little son was born.


About 6 ½ years into my tenure at this church my friend and his wife accepted the call from the Bishop to move to a city in another state and there plant a new church. We were all sad to see them go. His associate, Junior, became the new rector and for about six months or so, things were good. However, after about six months, the entire parish began to veer, very subtly, off center. Some rather curious theology and traditions began to creep in and ooze in. Some parish members were treated as 6-year old children, while others were exalted – for no rhyme or reason. As the church began to list some rather interesting characters were swept in; characters that would have been right at home with the strangest of the TOAD’s denizens. Some of these were Moon Doggie and Sweet Pea; Jerry G II and his sidekick, Janis J; and a few others. Of this group, Moon Doggie and Sweet Pea were the most interesting.


Moon Doggie and Sweet Pea were old hippies; basically, refugees from the 1960’s whom no one had informed were over. They looked and dressed the part. They also had a rather eclectic brood of off-spring with such names as Timon, Pumba, Tobias and Jehova. Tobias was a Bishop, although no one could quite figure out which communion he was with. When in attendance, which was frequent, the entire group occupied the front pew. Tobias appeared to have bladder issues which required him to take a rather loud walk down the center aisle numerous times to the facilities during the service. However, the most colorful of the group was Moon Doggie.


Moon Doggie, as an aging hippie, was rather boisterous in his expressions and religious fervor with few discernible inhibitions. As he was always seated on the front pew, everyone from the second row back was treated to a show, whether they wanted it or not. Oh, and did I mention that he did not believe in wearing underwear? As an added attraction to an already colorful show, every time Moon Doggie jumped up, his faded jeans went down treating everyone from the second row back to a view of his pallid white ass. He did not believe in the wearing of a belt or any kind of support for his jeans either.


The show became something of a joke among various members of the parish. Although, if one had brought guests, the show could be rather embarrassing. It did provide comic relief at times.


More to come…………………Jerry G II and Janis, Pee Wee Herman and Shinbones

The Perfect Foursquare Disciple

What else can be said?

NO MORE RECOVERINGFRSQR

No longer am I RecoveringFrsqr. I am now fully recovered from the Foursquares. My tenure ended there on October 6, 2008 - THANK GOODNESS. The Foursquare Curia like the TOAD across the street, had its own unique cast of characters - some found nowhere else in the known universe.


Some of these denizens about whom more will be written later were: Pope Hayseed I, Stringbean, Sterling Silver and his wife Witchy Woman, Bluto, Psychotic Genie, Brujita and many others.


No more church of the Foursquares !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chiquita, Hatchet and the Funeral

The TOAD had such a collection of unique individuals that there were times when I thought that it must have been situated on top of some type of energy source that attracted these characters. Another one of "God's Choice Servants" as some of these types were called was Chiquita. Chiquita was a lady of a certain age who attempted to pass herself off as a lady of a much younger age. This was attempted with liberal ministrations of Jean Nate' - one always knew where Chiquita was and where she had been. In addition, the wiring upstairs was somewhat faulty. Chiquita had an outgoing, bubbly type personality and was always trying to ingratiate herself with one person or another. One person that she managed to ingratiate herself with was Hatchet, wife of good ol' parson Peaseporridge.

According to Hatchet, Chiquita had a "true servant's heart". It was somewhat true, especially where Hatchet was concerned as Chiquita became her gofer.

One day an acquaintance of Chiquita's passed away and the funeral was announced. It was to be at another venue than the TOAD, Forest Lawn to be exact, and Chiquita did not feel comfortable going there alone. So, she prevailed upon her good friend Hatchet to go with her. Hatchet agreed and on the appointed day and time the two found themselves on the way to Forest Lawn, chatting non-stop like a couple of magpies and solving everyone's problems.

Once they reached their destination they went into a chapel where a funeral was getting ready to start. H0wever, their chatter continued unabated, somewhat more discreet of course. After all, one had to be respectful at a funeral. At the end of the service the congregation was ushered up to the front of the chapel to pay their respects and view the deceased one last time. Upon reaching the casket, Hatchet turned and looked at Chiquita and in her loud, nasal, hilbilly twang asked "Who Is This?" The music and everything stopped momentarily. You see, these two had gone to the wrong funeral.

Just another fun day at the TOAD.

Brother Phinneas

As I have stated many times before, the TOAD was a rather eclectic collection of beings, some human some otherwise, and some found nowhere else in the known universe. One such example was Brother Phinneas.


No one was quite sure as to when Brother Phinneas started attending the TOAD, he just kind of showed up one day. To say that he was unique would be an understatement. There was none other like him, no where. A few of the pundits around the TOAD declared that he was one of the few there who were actually certifiable. After my encounter with him I tended to agree.


At that time good ol' Parson Peasporridge had declared a policy of "Whosoever Will" when it came to persons wanting to be involved in ministry - all comers were accepted. This was particularly true in the music department. My predecessor, Ichabod, had felt honor bound to accept any and all into the choir and music ministry. Thus, Phinneas found his niche in the ministry of the TOAD. It later fell to me to try and convince some of these "choice servants" that perhaps their giftings and calling were in another area; hopefully far, far away.


Brother Phinneas was a member of the choir - with musical abilities that were dubious at best. Also, he seemed to have some type of mental/nervous disorder and his temperament and personality would vacillate from one end of the spectrum to the other with little in the mid range of somewhat normal. This made for some rather interesting rehearsals and performances on Sunday mornong. Phinneas was particularly susceptible to the "Worship Leading" of Hatchette Peaseporridge and could always be counted on to respond in a flamboyant, true Pentecostal style.


Phinneas lived in the neighborhood of the TOAD and one fine day found himself being served with some type of due process by a Marshall. No one ever found out what exactly Phinneas was being served with. However, he did not take kindly to being served in this manner and took off after the Marshall with a 2 x 4. The Marshall, as an officer of the law, was not going to allow anyone to assault him with a 2 x 4 and drew his pistol. After numerous warnings to Phinneas to back off which were ignored, the Marshall fired the pistol. The result of this discharge was a gaping hole in Phinneas' chest with a piece of lead embedded therein.



Now, most people upon being shot would seek some type of medical assistance immediately, providing of course they are still conscious and in possession of a sound mind. Phinneas was conscious, however, the soundness of his mind was open to question. For some strange reason, Phinneas elected to not seek any type of medical attention even though the paramedics had arrived. He appeared at Choir Rehearsal later that evening telling of his adventure and showing all who were interested and those who weren't, the wound, or "Battle Scar" as he called it. He stated that the "Anti-Christ" had begun to attack and he, Phinneas, was one of the first victims. Few, however, agreed with this.


The next day we learned that Phinneas had agreed to be taken to the hospital and let the doctors get the lead out and close the hole. However, on the operating table being ready to be put under the anesthesia, Phinneas had a change of heart. He sat up and announced that he had decided not to go through with the operation. He jumped off the table and with hospital gown open to the rear and his pallid white cheeks flapping in the breeze, walked out of the hospital.


He appeared at church the following Sunday,singing in the Choir and showing and telling all who would listen and look of his adventures and resulting wounds. This continued for about 2 weeks, he would appear at church for rehearsal and services, wanting to engage in show and tell. However, as time went on, the gaping wound on his chest began to fester and as gangrene was setting in he decided maybe the doctors should finish what they had started.


He returned to church about a week later regaling everyone with the tales of his adventure, particularly the women, whom he had begun to show an interest in. At this turn of events I decided that enough was enough, Peasporridge or no Peasporridge and decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided that it was time for Phinneas to seek ministry opportunities elsewhere, the choir supported me 100%. A couple of days later I approached Phinneas and told him that I had a "word" for him. (He was very spiritual and always looking for a "Word") The "Word" was that the choir and music ministry had been a "season" for him. The season was now over and it was time to move with the "Cloud and Pillar of Fire" At first he was reluctant, however when he perceived that I was not going to back down, he accepted this "word" and went off to join the "Circle of Love" (see my earlier posting titled "Circle of Love")
I never heard how the old hens and barracudas accepted him or dealt with him.

Things That Cost Too Much

A recent entry by Matushka Joann and Padre inspired me to create a list of my own. Herewith, things that cost too much:

1. Jean Paul Gaultier fragrances - blame the French and Nordstrom's
2. Prada glasses frames
3. Gucci loafers - blame the Pope
4. Armani slacks
5. Rev. Numnut's one-way plane ticket to Novosibirsk, Siberia
6. Dean and DeLuca goodies
7. Brujita's one-way plane ticket to Ulanbaatar, Mongolia
8. Airfare to New York
9. Baby Bass Weejuns - can't figure out on whom to place blame here.
10. Last but certainly not least, the 1.5 Kt Diamond studs the Glorygrl wants for her ears.

Pizza

Being married to a New Yorker has some definite advantages. For one, it gives me a connection to one of my favorite cities, the Big Apple and since she calls her former parish, one of the largest churches in our denomination home, there is a connection there as well. Through her I have also been introduced to such establishments as Dean & DeLuca, JR Electronics, Nick's, Marvel Ice Cream and Lombardi's in Little Italy.

The pizza at Lombardi's is second to none and was even featured on the Travel Channel recently. During a recent visit to New York we had the pleasure of dining at Lombardi's and I, like my wife, became a convert and true believer. Domino's, Ameci's, Papa John's, Pizza Hut, Chi Chi's, Barones, etc., do not come close to Lombardi's in their pizza. For several months now my wife has had a strong craving for Lombardi-style pizza, and finding all the offerings in our area to be lacking, took matters into her own hands. To satisfy this we basically had two options; 1) hop the next flight to JFK and have the real thing or 2) try to recreate it here. She tried option #2 - results were spectacularly successful.

Yesterday she and the little guy went on an exploratory expedition to some of the retail establishments and by a miracle, were able to procure all the necessary ingredients for a Lombardi's pizza - fresh mozzarella (not the shredded kind in Ralph's), fresh basil, fresh prosciutto and fresh sweet red peppers and the correct ingredients for the dough. The result of this was spectacular, true New York-style pizza. The only thing missing was the brick oven and the ambience of Lombardi's and the city itself. I later heard her promise some pizza to one of our friends.

I am blessed.